The only thing I have eaten today is coffee. One large coffee with three extra shots of expresso. That’s it. Because ED opened his big mouth and has been yelling at me all day and into this evening. So what do I do? I listen to him. I do exactly what I’m not supposed to do. Why do I do that? Because I feel fat and disgusting. I feel like I don’t deserve to eat. I feel like I need to starve and restrict. Who am I kidding, I won’t starve even if I don’t eat for a long time… there is enough fat on these bones to last a long time, fat ass.
In my head I know my treatment team is going to be so let down if I don’t at least eat SOMETHING. Just one little thing to show that I am trying. But ED is saying no, he is saying be strong Kadee, starve yourself fat ass. No food for you. My heart is telling me to think of that quote… the one that goes something like, “being strong isn’t being able to starve yourself for three weeks, it’s being able to stand up and fight against your disorder.”
I just want to cry. I feel so completely defeated. Restrict or eat. Restrict or eat. Starve or eat something. The battle continues in my mind. And what do I do? I sit here alone, oh wait - I’m not alone, ED is right here with me! I sit here with ED fighting the sane part of me that knows I need to eat something. The part of me that knows I need to eat to survive. What the heck do I do?!?!
I’m not strong enough to fight this battle. No food for me. I can’t bring myself to eat. I can’t do it. This isn’t strong, this is weak. But somehow I can’t bring myself to be the strong, inspiring person that people tell me that I am. Tonight I’m being the fat and disgusting failure that is going to let everyone down. Right now I’m not “saving kadee” right now I’m killing her.
- Aimee Liu, Restoring Our Bodies, Reclaiming Our Lives (via tobeheal-ed)
- 2:15 am (via we-are-the-reckless-youthhhh)